Amazon

OK, so I finally decided to try and put Mean, Median, Mode and Murder on Kindle. I figured now I had a Paperwhite, the minority-bullying would end. Well, sort of.

Amazon, Microsoft, Apple, and, for fear of being torn down, Google (sorry guys, I know I'm insulting you on a Google blog, but at least you're nicer about than Apple, OK?), basically all the major tech giants, live to to fill safes with pictures of Abraham Lincoln worth a... how many dollars is a bill with Abe Lincoln worth? Oh well, let's leave it at cash. So why let a nobody publish a book for FREE?

No way. Has to cost $0.99 bare minimum, or 75p in UK. No free books self-published.

I won't stand for that. I want to make money - fine, so does everybody who's watched Benefits Street - but Mean, Median, Mode and Murder isn't worth anybody's money.

Quick dilemma. Do I face criminal charges for extortion in a whole lotta countries, or do I not publish it at all? The rights are still with me...

Any suggestions?

New Year

Ah, 2014.

Let's see, the last Hobbit film is going to be released, someone is going to do something stupid... and I'm going to release a book.

Uh-huh. Don't look at me blankly; I'm serious.

I have 12 damn months, starting now, and I'm gonna release a book. That costs something. And maybe someone will buy it. Or not. Likely the latter, in which I would be the world's least successful writer. Pop, I nearly wrote 'author'. And I can't spell, again.

I don't do New Year's Resolutions, but this time, I will go through. To those of you thinking of giving up chocolate, try something else. Oh, and happy 2014. Obviously this will be the worst year ever, for no reason in particular.